I found out last Wednesday that I got into College Of Staten Island for exchange next year, in New York City. I leave in January and I'm there until around July.
I have spent my entire degree working for this and knowing that with 80 applicants, NYC was a popular choice, and so I was incredibly happy and a little flattered and for once, PROUD, about the whole thing.
Anyway, I got home and told my parents. My dad high-fived me, then hugged me, and then told me how proud he was. My mother said, "I would be happy and I would hug you but you know how I feel about this". After being on the phone to Andi for ten minutes in a daze of happiness (I can't even remember what I was saying), and then getting all sorts of love from my other friends, my mother's comments cut me down so hard. Even after all of this, after all the work and stress I had put myself through to get the best scores I could, she couldn't even pretend to be happy.
She continued to make snarky comments about my reasons for wanting to go to NYC (including some seriously weird comments about my friendship with Andi, which were incredibly uncalled for and really actually very silly, and really I don't know where they came from). Dad and I were talking in the kitchen, and he mentioned under his breath to me that I shouldn't worry about my mother. Of course, she chips in with a "You know, you don't have to whisper" and I kind of lost my shit.
I was calm, but I was yelling. In my opinion, she is still my mother and always will be and due to some weird binding law of biology I will always love her. But she's no longer my parent. Our argument ended with me telling her that these are the last few months I will live in this house because New York or no New York, I cannot live with her any longer. I'm moving out a week after I get home. I don't know what I'll do; I'm supposed to finish my degree at the end of 2012 but I'm thinking of extending my degree to get a double-major in International Studies and Bachelor of Writing, because I really do love learning and being at university. I was never really an academic but I love the balance of creativity and knowledge that I have found in myself. It's liberating.
I have put up with her shit for too long. She's been trying to sabotage my chances at NYC since I first said I wanted to go in January 2010. Yet for some reason she feels like if I didn't go, I would still be happy at home with her.
Look, anyone who knows me well enough knows I have issues with my mother. I wish I didn't, and I wish I could get on as well with her as I do my father, but I can't. She has done nothing but bring me down for as long as I can remember. I don't remember the last time she complimented me for anything, I don't remember the last time she gave any sympathy for anything. Whenever I told her I was sad, she would answer with "I bet I'm sadder than you". When dad got diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year, she ridiculed him for being weak. My friends hate coming to my house because she makes them feel so uncomfortable. It's crazy because my dad has done everything for us and is probably the most selfless person I know. And she has broken him, and all of us.
So I'm done with her. We haven't spoken since the day I found out I was moving and I have to say it has been so refreshing. I think I've just gotten to that point where I don't want to put up with her shit anymore. And more importantly, I don't have to. She thinks I'm "intolerent" (interesting coming from the woman who still hasn't fully accepted her son's sexuality, four years after he came out) but I really think I've just given up hoping that she'll get better.
So yeah. Sorry for the wah. I promise it won't be frequent. I think I'll be too busy to complain now anyhow. The new semester has started and I've recently started a band with my best friend's little (6'2") brother. I've also started getting double the amount of shifts to get some serious cash together before I leave. And I'm trying to write and paint when I can, but mostly I'm so exhausted that whenever I get a spare minute, I'm falling asleep with my head in a book.
Love and rockets, sane people.